somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize