there's paper in my vomit.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
