I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
