doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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