I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I met the friendliest cop last night
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
