I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
