I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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