I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
