Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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