Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
