Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
