My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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