i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
