What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
