My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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