Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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