Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
