I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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