What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
