I want to make a zoo with you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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