I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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