i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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