You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
