I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
