you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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