my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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