I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
