Yo dont text me then not text me
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
