My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
