sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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