I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
