I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize