Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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