If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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