Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
