The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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