his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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