Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
