On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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