I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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