Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
4 words: hood of his car
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
her facebook's as public as her vagina
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
