is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
