apparently the secret to your success is patron
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
