couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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