put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
