happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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