Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
