the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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