i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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