My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
