Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Drake has all the answers
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
