My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
