Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
