soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
