Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
