his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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