If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
do herpes really smell.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i out mim tonsoeep
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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