did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
