guys are only as good as the porn they watch
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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