Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
