Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
