Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He passed out mid-signature
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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