rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
