Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
