it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
